What should you say in your vows?

Your personal vows are not something you just jot down and be done with. You need to make sure they come from your heart.

Here are some things to consider when you sit down to write your vows.

• Ask yourselves why you love each other.
• Ask what it was about the other person you first noticed when you met that put that sparkle in your eye.
• Ask whether there was one particular event in your relationship that caused the two of you to turn toward marriage.
• Ask what you think of when the words "commitment," "love," "marriage," and "trust" enter your minds.
• Ask what your feelings are about what life will be like when you grow older with each other.
• Ask what your feelings are about religion. Find out whether there's a common religious bond that you want to mention.

Alternatively you can make up your own vows or promises, either independently or together. The subject of these vows can be as individual as you are. As an example, you might want to include a set of promises to:

• Share the good and the bad parts of life together
• Love, honor, respect and cherish each other
• Respect the individuality of each other
• Be kind, trusting, tolerant and understanding
• Be honest and faithful
• Stay together for life
• Bring happiness and laughter into the marriage
• Be a good friend
• Seek a loving and stable relationship

Getting Inspired

Look for inspiration from traditional vows that have stood the test of time. They contain moving and trusted words that have linked marriages from generation to generation. They express 'in a nutshell' the key promises upon which a happy marriage can be founded.

Jot down the words and phrases from books, films or poetry that touch your heart and express you thoughts.
Discuss the special moments in your relationships, whether happy, sad or humorous, to inspire personal meaning in the words you choose. These personal details will add poignancy to your vows but must be expressed in a brief and simple manner allowing your guests to understand your meaning. The perfect vows demand the perfect vocabulary.

Important Points

Do remember that, at the very heart of your vows, is the fact that this is a public declaration of your commitment to each other. The words should be created for others to witness and not simply as a private conversation between you and your partner. Do not embarrass your witnesses with over intimate details or bore them with a lengthy monologue!

Keep your vows short. Be sparing with the words you use. The art is to express much in a few short, well-chosen statements. Your vows should include a promise to accept the changes and a pledge to grow together during the experiences of a lifetime's partnership. Respecting your partner's right to grow and develop spiritually and mentally during the course of your relationship is a basic necessity for a happy marriage.

When you have completed writing your vows, discuss them with the celebrant, who is to conduct your ceremony. He or she may have helpful suggestions to make or foresee a small problem that may occur. Remember that a professional such as a Humanist celebrant is trained and experienced and will have a wealth of knowledge that may help you create the perfect ceremony. Practice your vows with your partner or a trusted friend.

Make a copy of your vows to have with you during the ceremony or repeat them after the celebrant. Nerves play havoc with the memory and the last thing you want to do is to be worried about whether or not you will remember your words.

Remember to speak slowly and clearly. You are asking your guests to witness your marriage and they need to hear your words.

There may be elements of your relationship that are more important than others and the most successful way to write personalised vows is to think about the two of you and the things you would like to promise each other.